C-A-N-T-A-L-O-U-P-E

From the movie Sabrina (1995):

SABRINA
Didn’t you once say everything is business?

LINUS LARRABEE
No, but it sounds like me.


Lauren and I were not involved in the event described below, but it sounds like us. The actual participants were my parents’ friends—I’ll call them “George and Alice.” Had this been a scene from our lives, I’d have been George, and Lauren-as-Alice would have taken it well.


George and Alice were on a road trip. Pointing out a handwritten sign at one of the many fruit stands along their route, Alice said, “That’s funny! They spelled ‘cantaloupe’ wrong; they put an ‘e’ at the end.”

George shook his head. “No, the sign’s right. It says ‘cantaloopy,’ not ‘cantaloupe.’ It’s another kind of melon.”

Duped by George on a regular basis, Alice was skeptical. “It is not! They just spelled it wrong.”

George proceeded to tell Alice everything he knew about “cantaloopy.” The plants weren’t very hardy. Perhaps only two or three regions in the country had the right climate for growing them. The melons were a little smaller and not quite as sweet.

“Then why haven’t I heard of them before?” she asked.

“Well, they’re one of the more expensive exotic fruits, so most grocery stores don’t carry them.”

Having supplied enough plausible details without cracking a smile, George convinced Alice he was telling the truth. Meanwhile, he scanned the handwritten posters of every fruit stand they passed until he found one that did not advertise “cantaloupe.”

George stopped the car. “I need to get out and stretch my legs.”

“I want to get something to eat,” said Alice. “Do you want to come inside with me?”

“No, I’ll wait out here,” he said, adding, “Why don’t you see if they have ‘cantaloopy’ here? I’d like to try one.”

“Okay.”

Unable to find any of the rare melons on her own, Alice asked an employee if they had any “cantaloopy.”

“You know,” she clarified, “the one that’s spelled like cantaloupe, but with an ‘e’ at the end.”

George and Alice are no longer married.